Episode 1: Struck a man in the testicles with a wiffleball bat.
It some cases, its not exactly what he did, so much as how he reveals it in conversation. Today, we were watching TV (Sports Collectables with Don West was on: this will be detailed further in another entry). We were discussing the program, and eventually came to the conclusion that Don West "has some balls." This caused the response of "I once struck a man in the testicles with a wiffleball bat." "What?" I responded, the frequency of my voice directly proportional to my surprise (hence, it was quite soprano). He repeated himself, slowly and clearly. "How? Why?"
At this point it is important to detail exactly how he tells stories. He details them like a teacher relating historical facts to the student, verbally drawing out even the most illogical of points as if they were entirely intuitive.
"Well, I was at a friend's birthday party, and my friend's father was yelling at his son," he began. "Wait, how old were you?" "Uhmmmm, about five, I guess." "Go on." "I was pretty mad at his father, so I yelled at him..." At this point, he alters his voice to match exactly how he probably said it. The rate at which he can alter the tone, volume, and intensity of his voice is alarming. " 'STOP THAT YOU ASSHOLE', and I hit him in the testicles with the wiffleball bat I was holding." The humor comes from how matter-of-factly he stated this. It was as if he said "I was hungry, so I ate." As if noting a friend's parent disciplining his son equaled a strike in the testicles with a wiffleball bat; no other reaction was possible. When asked about the aftermath of this action, he responded, "Yeah, he fell down. Wasn't quite breathing right." Interesting; interesting indeed.